A Special Letter

Oh, how I would relish in the opportunity to sit down with a younger version of myself and have a conversation- not for the sake of imparting hard earned wisdom over time, but simply to connect with that zeal filled girl who was figuring life out day by day. I can see into her eyes right now. She’s wondering which friend she is going to hang out with next. She’s her own person, unafraid of what the world thinks about her homemade jewelry or the statement that she’s making with her hair. I admire her boldness and the and the joy that she receives from being with people. I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned, the growth I have experienced, and the insight I’ve attained through experience, and I fully anticipate what life ahead will continue to teach me.

At first I felt prompted to write a letter to my younger self, in reflecting, I think I will let her be. She is so hungry for what the world is about to throw at her. She is ready to take it on. My clues might only deter her from living out the road that lies ahead filled with excitement, pain, brokenness, and freedom. Man, she could teach me a thing or two. Every day that young girl allowed herself to become pruned, shaped, molded into who I am at this present moment, recalling the good times and bad that none of us can escape. I wouldn’t trade a thing. A more beneficial letter, I think would be one written to the daughter that I have not yet had. I dream about becoming a mother, I can’t wait. To be honest, I think more often about raising a little girl than I do a son, but I will joyfully anticipate any little one, should God bless me with the gift of motherhood in the future. So, drawing from the twenty-six years of experience I have with life on this earth; here is what I want my daughter to know;

Dear One,

Can you be in love with the thought of someone? I am already in love with you, and I think of you often. I not only dream about the superficial yet important things like the bows I will put in your hair, the dance classes I will take you to, or your first Easter Sunday dress, but the young lady you will grow into.  By the way, let me take this opportunity to let you know a little bit about your mother. It seemed like the feminine universe was against me as a child. I had no hair for bows, so my mother had to make them stick with Karo syrup, I protested ballet every week and felt miserable in my tutu, and finding an Eater dress year to year was somewhat of a nightmare, but somehow I was always quite girly and still shudder at the sight (and thought) of a bug looking at me. This was my experience, but should you have all the same frustrations and turn out differently from me, guess what? I will still love you with all of my heart. There is no one in this world that is more opposite of me than my own mother, and no friend that I love deeper. She is my best friend and I hope the same for you and me one day, but not until you are much older and have grown into a young woman. I will always be your mother first. I want you to look to your Father, both in heaven and on earth to understand your worth. Please little girl, take care of your heart and let us pour into you first instead of other guys who do not yet have your best interest in mind. This was my experience growing up; hanging out with my family on the weekends, sometimes sad that I was missing the parties or feeling left out. I look back with nothing but gratitude. Learn about Jesus now, and don’t wait. If you put anything off in life, do not let it be your relationship with your creator, the one who made you and knit you together in my womb. When others are trying to figure out who they are through trial and error, you fall deeply in love with the Father and he will reveal the unique identity that He has placed inside of you. Daughter, do not ever compromise your kindness to fit in. Others will. Sit with the girl who is alone at lunch. You can do this. These fragile years are so foundational for the rest of your life. When you are sad or angry, please tell me. Do not show me by making mistakes that you will live to regret. I am here, and though your words, and the reality of your circumstances may sometimes be painful for you to share, and more painful for me to hear, I want to listen. See, its not that I am nosey, or bossy, or want to control you, but I want to take your needs to Christ, so that He can lead me as a mother to love you the way He loves us. When you get upset, at the world you will hurt me- with your actions, your words, and your attitude. You will do this because you know in your heart that I love you deeply and unconditionally and though your motive is never to bring me pain, you feel safe and protected. This is because of my unwavering love for you. Even when you are filled with the truth, you will become distracted with the desires and lies of this world, but the Holy Spirit will be faithful to fill you up daily if you just ask Him to. I promise that the love he radiates through you will make you appear more beautiful than the distorted measuring sticks of beauty this world has to offer. When you start to dwell or focus on yourself, you will lose sight of who you are. Laugh a lot, eat cake on your birthday, be kind always, have a lot of friends, be transparent with people. These are all important, dear. Life is not easy. I always want life to be a fun party, but that’s not the reality, I get disappointed frequently. It makes me a little extreme in my personality, but your dad is a little more consistent with his demeanor to balance me out. I can’t wait to meet you for the first time and see your pretty face. I wish I could call you by name, but I will wait patiently for you. If you are a tom boy, if you like playing with bugs, or we spend weekends at your athletic tournaments, then teach me about these aspects of life. I can’t wait to learn from you. I dream that we will be as close as I am to my mother, and that is truly something to look forward to.